Since I've been writing stories for my Inktober prompts, it reminded me of this series I started back in 2011. Though I wrote 4 chapters, I never did anything with them, but I think they might amuse. If people are interested, I'll post a chapter each week.
The Animals Go to War
Chapter 1: Big Elephant in a Little Boat
The elephants march to the ocean, and they can see a cruise ship floating in the distance.
Big Elephant says, “Cruise ships have all kinds of food! You can eat 24 hours a day. Everyone knows that. Let’s take over the cruise ship!”
Littlest Elephant says, “Look. There’s a bunch of rowboats. We can row out to the ship, and shoot snot at it until they agree to our demands!” Elephants love to shoot snot out of their trunks. Just ask anyone who ever been close to elephants.
The elephants love this idea, and pile into the rowboats. To their dismay most of the boats sink, tip over, or break into pieces. Only Big Elephant manages to float out to sea, and once afloat, he is none too happy. He hadn’t realized how choppy seawater waves are, and how uncomfortable a big elephant’s stomach can get.
As he draws closer one of the passengers aboard the ship sees his plight. “Look!” he cries, “Elephant overboard!” The passenger knows that isn’t quite correct, but what do you say when you see an elephant in a rowboat?
Somehow, the ship’s crew manages to get him on board (I don't know how! Didn't I say somehow?).
Despite his gratitude, Big Elephant remains true to his objective. When the captain comes close to shake his trunk in congratulation, Big Elephant wraps his trunk around the captain’s hand.
“I’ll sit on him,” swears Big Elephant. “I’ll sit on him unless you accede to my demands!”
“What are your demands?” asks the captain.
Big Elephant thinks about it. The animals hadn’t really discussed their demands, so he has to wing it.
“You’ll give me enough hay to feed all the elephants in the world, forever.” That doesn’t seem enough, so he continues, “Every elephant must wander free wherever he wants to go. But we promise we won’t step on your little dogs. Unless they bite us. And, if we enter your house to watch TV, we’ll stay out of the bedrooms.” He thinks some more. “We’ll stay out of the kitchens too, if popcorn is provided.”
The passengers are charmed. “Everyone should have access to TV and popcorn.” They immediately turn traitor to their own kind, not quite understanding that Big Elephant is declaring war. They insist that the captain call the Leaders of the World and present Big Elephant’s demands. The captain isn’t quite so charmed, but he can’t feel his hand any longer, so he agrees.
The World Leaders see the possible profits to be made, and agree to Big Elephant’s demand. They immediately begin subsidizing hay crops, and home repair businesses. Immediately meaning as soon as the corrupt politicians have the chance to buy up hay crops and home repair shops, and the uncorrupt politicians have the chance to divert funds towards independent task forces devoted to investigating fraud and black-market sales of hay. The Global Market rallies and the economy temporarily stabilizes.
Elephant has won his phase of the attack. He wonders how Ostrich, and Frog and Dog and Cat are doing.
The Animals Go to War
Chapter 1: Big Elephant in a Little Boat
The elephants march to the ocean, and they can see a cruise ship floating in the distance.
Big Elephant says, “Cruise ships have all kinds of food! You can eat 24 hours a day. Everyone knows that. Let’s take over the cruise ship!”
Littlest Elephant says, “Look. There’s a bunch of rowboats. We can row out to the ship, and shoot snot at it until they agree to our demands!” Elephants love to shoot snot out of their trunks. Just ask anyone who ever been close to elephants.
The elephants love this idea, and pile into the rowboats. To their dismay most of the boats sink, tip over, or break into pieces. Only Big Elephant manages to float out to sea, and once afloat, he is none too happy. He hadn’t realized how choppy seawater waves are, and how uncomfortable a big elephant’s stomach can get.
As he draws closer one of the passengers aboard the ship sees his plight. “Look!” he cries, “Elephant overboard!” The passenger knows that isn’t quite correct, but what do you say when you see an elephant in a rowboat?
Somehow, the ship’s crew manages to get him on board (I don't know how! Didn't I say somehow?).
Despite his gratitude, Big Elephant remains true to his objective. When the captain comes close to shake his trunk in congratulation, Big Elephant wraps his trunk around the captain’s hand.
“I’ll sit on him,” swears Big Elephant. “I’ll sit on him unless you accede to my demands!”
“What are your demands?” asks the captain.
Big Elephant thinks about it. The animals hadn’t really discussed their demands, so he has to wing it.
“You’ll give me enough hay to feed all the elephants in the world, forever.” That doesn’t seem enough, so he continues, “Every elephant must wander free wherever he wants to go. But we promise we won’t step on your little dogs. Unless they bite us. And, if we enter your house to watch TV, we’ll stay out of the bedrooms.” He thinks some more. “We’ll stay out of the kitchens too, if popcorn is provided.”
The passengers are charmed. “Everyone should have access to TV and popcorn.” They immediately turn traitor to their own kind, not quite understanding that Big Elephant is declaring war. They insist that the captain call the Leaders of the World and present Big Elephant’s demands. The captain isn’t quite so charmed, but he can’t feel his hand any longer, so he agrees.
The World Leaders see the possible profits to be made, and agree to Big Elephant’s demand. They immediately begin subsidizing hay crops, and home repair businesses. Immediately meaning as soon as the corrupt politicians have the chance to buy up hay crops and home repair shops, and the uncorrupt politicians have the chance to divert funds towards independent task forces devoted to investigating fraud and black-market sales of hay. The Global Market rallies and the economy temporarily stabilizes.
Elephant has won his phase of the attack. He wonders how Ostrich, and Frog and Dog and Cat are doing.
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